A Man's Black Sweater (in stockinette) is an object so dense that light cannot escape its gravitational pull. It is formed when a knitter's partner complains that all others around him are clothed and gifted with knitted items except for him, causing the knitter to collapse into herself and fall victim to the pull. Usually, edgings and necklines and motifs balance out the sweater's gravity. However, when the knitter is overcome by only stockinette and absolutely no ornamentation or change of any kind, she gives in to gravity and proceeds to collapse. A smaller sweater, with maybe some ribbing or even a V-neck, will not collapse the way a Man's Black Stockinette Sweater will.
Because of its large mass, the Man's Black Stockinette Sweater has a gravitational pull from which even the swiftest knitters cannot escape. Knitters passing near the sweater are sucked in or trapped in orbit around the sweater causing the event horizon - or the boundary past which nothing can escape from the sweater - not even the knitter herself, even if she is offered lace, or booties, or even a pattern from Teva Durham. Approaching the event horizon, time seems to slow down. Knitting and purling warp together into a nebulous sameness that only can be described as "knurling " as predictability and the laws of science break down.
Of course, everything we supposedly know about what goes on during the knitting of a Man's Black Stockinette Sweater is only theory, since no one can actually knit one and return to tell the tale. Even if there were a way out, such as through an embellishment of some kind, the wishes of the Husband would soon crush the knitter's dreams of hemmed edges before she got very far.
Perhaps in the future we may find a way to investigate Men's Black Stockinette Sweaters more closely. Until then, however, they will retain a fast hold on the imaginations of knitting fact and fiction alike.
xo
Posted by Angela at January 23, 2006 02:14 PMThis makes my mind wonder to another field of thought and that is that all our realities are occuring at the same time. This would mean that in multiple realities I would have an Angela knitted v-neck, one with ribbing and even one in stockinette. If we broaden our definition of who or waht we are I could even be the recipient of a nice pair of booties. The mind wobbles at the huge amount of alternate realities and the vast amount of alternate knitting options.
Ultimately all of these realities could be sucked into a black whole and merge as one. The cosmic taco would touch and I could see and be in all the knitted goods at one time while becoming one with the universe and man as a whole.
Mmmmmm. Tacooooooooos. Anyway, a black stockinette sweater sounds right up my alley. Except I'd have to purl. And change shapes. Think he'd like a black garter stitch scarf to match?
Posted by: Sue Sue at January 23, 2006 06:01 PMHemmed border! Now that you mention it, this is just the edging the Man in my life has been after. Strange, no? It must not be a bulky hemmed border, so that means it must be in a somewhat smaller gauge yarn--which means I'm going to pretend I didn't think of this for another few winters. Definitely.
Both sweaters I've knit for Seth have been green; the brown cap was recently posted but now he wants (guess!) black.
Posted by: Daphne at January 23, 2006 06:50 PMShall we launch a Nashville Rover complete with camera and signaling system and pointy, boingy antennae all aquiver to try to track your progress and somehow, magically wrest you from orbit 'round the monolith?
Standing by....
Posted by: kt at January 23, 2006 09:33 PMI just love you and the Husband!!!
Posted by: Laura & Cooper Thornton at January 23, 2006 11:16 PMFirst I must congratulate you (I think) on finding enough black wool to make said sweater/black hole. Black wool, known to yarn sellers to cause this sort of distress, is getting rare and hard to come by.
I hope you get a rocket boost outta the hole -- plan a multi-yellow-striped-cabled thing, and the energy developed by that could pull you out... or not. Awaiting the very exciting black stockinette photos!
As Nigel Tufnel says, "It's like, how much more black could this be? And the answer is none. None more black."
PS I have a slightly used leather toggle I could contribute to this effort of yours. Maybe a toggle would help fight the gravity suck of it all.
Posted by: Ann at January 25, 2006 11:00 AMHas she not shown you girls what is on the front of the black hole sweater? TOOOOO COOOOOL. I will be the envy old bikers everywhere.
Posted by: the Husband at January 25, 2006 02:59 PM